Dear Future Sex Partners

Dear Future Sex Partners

kynd_draw  (Flickr)

kynd_draw (Flickr)


DISCLAIMER: I want to start off by saying this letter may seem harsh, but it is very necessary. I decided that from now on, the only way to get the results I want is to make my expectations clear from the very beginning.

From a very young age, sex has always been something I looked forward to. Up until the moment I lost my virginity at seventeen, I had pictured sex as this magical experience where your soul leaves your body and escapes to a utopian land. And although I have had sex hundreds of times by now, I can honestly say that it isn’t what I thought it would be. In fact, my sex life has always been terrible and unfulfilling, nothing but a series of unfortunate fucks. And how is that so? Because for some god forsaken reason, most guys haven’t been able to give me an orgasm. Never in my life have I had sex with a guy and he didn’t cum. NEVER. So why is it that me having an orgasm (that isn't self-induced) is a rare occurrence? Also, do men in their early twenties know what a clitoris is? Serious question.

These are some of the issues I’ve come across:


One of my biggest frustrations is when a guy assumes that I am all set and ready to go. You can’t just hop on top of a woman and think things will go in your favor. If you didn’t warm me up, it will be a miserable experience for the both of us. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with me, it means I’m not a damn machine. This isn’t rocket science. You should all know how to do this. I know a few of you watch tutorials teaching you how to get your facial hair to connect, why not watch one on foreplay? Just a thought.


I wish men would stop fucking me like they’re in a race with the speed of light. I don’t know who told you that the faster, the better, but they were wrong. We aren’t in high school anymore and you don’t have to rush in case your parents come home early. You’re not accomplishing anything. You’re just making a lot of unnecessary noise and fucking up my bed. Take your fucking time. Too many times have I been left laying in bed after three minutes of rapid-fire strokes questioning why I took time out of my life to shave for this and waiting for my sex partner to disappear so I can grab my vibrator.


For some odd reason, a lot of the men I’ve had sex with think penetration alone is going to cut it. While there are women out there who consider that to be enough, I am not one of them. I need clitoral stimulation to cum and there’s no way around it. I’m not sure why this is so hard to understand. The clit to a woman is what the tip is to a man. How could you possibly think you’re doing a good job when you’ve avoided the area with the most nerves? I can’t even.


You’re not a grown man if you think it’s okay to ask for head but don’t think it’s something you should do in return. There is only one scenario in which I will accept this preference and that is if you can honestly admit that you don’t want to do it because you don’t have experience and not sure how. I can respect that. I would much rather you figure out another way to satisfying me than spitting all over my inner thighs for no reason. I also love when a man is open to learning how to successfully give head. That, I can work with. But if you’re the type that thinks giving a woman head is gross, you’re an asshole. The vagina is constantly cleaning itself whereas y'all don’t even wipe yourselves when you pee. GOODBYE.


I don’t know whether or not to blame society or porn for this last one but it needs to be addressed. Just because you’re done, doesn’t mean I am. Sex shouldn't be one sided. You might think you’ve done a swell job because you came but if your sexual partner didn’t, you failed. I would usually stay silent after my time was wasted, but I've recently made the decision to let a guy know straight up when I wasn’t satisfied. The very first time I told a man that he didn’t make me cum was a cathartic moment for me. Granted, I never heard from him again but I think it was a step in the right direction. As one of my friends has told me, “a man who doesn’t care about your orgasm isn’t worth the time.”

Now that you’ve made it to the very end of this, I hope you will take everything I said seriously, as I can’t think of any female who disagrees with me on this.



We the Future

We the Future

Liminal Body

Liminal Body